Ninja Warrior

Since we have one of the cheapest cable options available, I get excited when we receive preview channels from time to time. Currently, we get a channel called G4.

As a result, I have become addicted to my new favorite show, Ninja Warrior. Yes, I said it. Iron Chef was my old favorite show, not the America version.

Ninja Warrior is totally awesome because ninjas are totally awesome.

Nuff said.

What every kid should own...

If you were half the man Wang Wang is.. you would be 1'6" tall.

A Lyrical Masterpiece.

This could happen to you.

A lot of people might not know that Juliette Lewis, the super famous movie actress, is also in a cutting edge rock band. A lot of folks would think that her on stage performance is so energetic and free spirited. Her stage performance is full of violent jerking motions and Iggy Pop like contortions. But the sad thing is, it is not a stage performance, she has an affliction. Julliette suffers from Omphalo Spasmoltia. Omphalo Spasmoltia is a disease where the inflicted are obsessed with wanting to see their belly button, but when they try to look, the inflicted's brain tricks the muscles into doing the exact opposite of looking into your belly button. This has been know to drive people insane and drive them to commit suicide. (see picture)

This is what democracy in the Middle East sounds like.

Random thoughts: B.F.F.

Really, when making an acronym, could you us a worse combination of letters? This is actually worse than B.J. (maybe).

Fuck Me.

Not the "I want to be fucked" fuck me, but the "Goddamnit" fuck me. That's it.

The Answer: The Whiggery

Here and now, before God The Almighty and Bush (Boosh) Himself, I pronounce the establishment of the New Whig Party.

We will all wear mullet wigs and focus on the strengthening of OUR country. We will not play in the sandboxes of the world, only our own. The world will be a better place.

The Unity '08 party is a feeble attempt to achieve that which the New Whig Party will: True Democracy.

This is what it is like in the fourth dimension

The Shit Sandwich Analogy

The Shit Sandwich Analogy goes like this:
Disclaimer:This really only works when providing somebody with tough love or you need to let somebody know to suck it up and deal with it.

The shit sandwich is something we all must endure on a regular basis. Most people are regularly tasked with issues and situations that are hard to deal with on many different levels. These problems could have many different solutions to them, but all of the solutions suck. When two or more solutions could be used to solve the problem, but those solutions are both equally difficult to obtain,this is where the shit sandwich needs to be eaten.

You do get a choice in this not so pleasant tasting meal though. You may have your shit sandwich hot or cold.

When applied correctly, this analogy will shut up most people who are bitching about their job or personal situation.

The mechanics of the analogy go like this:
If somebody told you to eat a sandwich which consisted of bread, lettuce and shit, you would probably not eat it. But if you were told you had to eat it or else, would it taste better to you hot, or cold? Personally I have never enjoyed doody on rye, but I really don't know what would make it go down easier. Hot or cold, how would you eat it.

Sexy Bitches Pedestal

Behold! The Husqvarna Model# YTH20K46!

Three Wishes

Dude, I think you're on to something. The whole "three wishes" thing is a much better idea than the eight random facts.

My three wishes:

1. I wish I were you.
2. I wish I wasn't an elitist.
3. I wish I loved G-W.

Smoking Cigarettes

I have been a smoker since I was about 14 years old. I love cigarettes. There is nothing more appealling to me than smoking when it is cold, smoking while I am fishing, smoking after dinner, smoking while I am driving, smoking while I am waiting, smoking while I am pissed off, smoking while I am shopping, smoking while playing golf(that's a great smoke), and smoking in between cigarettes. Although I have quit on and off for the last few years, I can go months and months without a cigarette. When I go on a binge I will smoke so many cigarettes that after about 30 or so they get really fucking gross and actually hurt to smoke. I then get so frustrated that I can't fully appreciate the smoke and I get all stressed out and increase intake.

If I had three wishes, one of them would definitely be that I would never die from cancer that was related to smoking cigarettes. The other two wishes would probably be really stupid wishes that I would regret making.

If somebody powerfull enough, like a wizard or warlock, gave me the choice of either being able to become invisible at will or be immune to smoking related cancer and have an unlimited amount of cigarettes, it would be a very difficult decision.

Right now I currently not smoking. But I think about it alot.

This is more gay than having a blog

Rules rules rules....

Random facts about TKY

1. I called my wife Paris more than three times when we were trying to procreate the other night. She responed everytime with " That's hot."

2. I smoked plastic with Bush Grande.

3. I have literally saved two peoples lives. Victim 1. Pulled e-brake and turned off engine of a late model Datsun that was perpindicular to four lanes of traffic on Highway 80, dude in car was having a siezure or some shit. He was wearing a Taco Bell uniform and had tons of cover up make up on that was all dripping off of his face Victim 2. Pulled a dude out of the American River. The douche bag was wearing jeans(black) and white trash sneakers. He was trying to swim accross the river. He was totally wasted. Didn't give a fuck, or realize, that he should have been dead.

4. I have seen every season of "The Real World"

5. I used to get all depressed and tear up at the end of The Incredible Hulk when Bill Bixby was walking to the next town all by himself with that fucking asshole Jack McGee on his tail.

6. My uvula has been streched for years and always feels like I have a lugee on the back of my tongue.

7. It stresses me out and pisses me off when I walk down stairs. I have to run down them.

8. I was pissed off at Peppermint because he thought I was impeding his artistic endeavor.That's bullshit.

F-ing Tag

1. All right, here are the rules.
2. We have to post these rules before we give you the facts.
3. Players start with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
4. People who are tagged need to write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.
5. At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

So, eight random facts about me.

1. I don't know eight sickening people who blog. I know three. They've already been tagged.
2. I have an insane nose thing where I constantly think I have shit hanging from my nose. Not real shit, just nose shit.
3. Sous was my official nose checker while we were living together; he has also unofficially served the position throughout our friendship.
4. I am a better driver than Walrus.
5. It's Bush's fault that I started smoking. He even gave me a cigarette case. It's his fault, I swear.
6. I like summer break because I am spending a ton of time with my son, but I am bored. I enjoy being extremely busy.
7. I am five chapters into a young adult novella that I'm writing. It could end up being an adult novella, but we'll see how sickening it gets.
8. My favorite word is sickening. This has been quite useful since I've had many sickening friends over the years and I'm the only one who seems to completely understand each one. That, in itself, is sickening.

See #1.

Silence

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A-hole Web Designers are not Artists

Given said criticism on perhaps the greatest artistic achieve that has been gifted to man since Picasso, it is obvious that the “Angry White Man,” or should I say, in this case, “Web Design Guru,” has absolutely no connection with ART whatsoever in any way possible, both known and unknown to man.

That being said, Mr. Web Design Guru obviously overlooked the artistic nature of the page, the way it really sums up teen angst, puberty, and awkward moments with the opposite sex, all in a simple, yet effective design that he wishes he would have done first (but he is too busy dealing with some old Archie Bunker motherfucker who wants him to build him a website on housing or something). Yes, Mr. Web Design Guru is obviously disconnected from Art and has moved rapidly into what should be called the “H” dimension, the world of html. He lives and dies by the html code. In fact, he is even rewriting the “Pledge of Allegiance,” inserting html wherever and whenever he can.

That being said, lets all stand up and solute Mr. Web Design Guru for all of the wonderful gifts of html he has given the world.

How not to build a website

People with Downs syndrome should not be gangster rappers. A-hole teachers who build websites like monkeys with Downs syndrome should not be gangster rappers as well. There are a million free website templates available for such a-holes so they can build a proper site. Dreamweaver has templates, Photoshop even allows you to make a great working website, Downloads.com has a hundred free web publishing tools so you can easily build properly functioning web site. But certain lazy assholes, I mean a-holes, decide that scanning a fucking crumpled piece of paper and using a display type for large bodies of copy on top of said crumpled paper is a great idea and the easy way out. I have given this person tip after tip. I am like a fucking Visual Quickstart Guide for this a-hole. But instead of using the skills that he has acquired from the tons of extra hours spent taking classes on graphic and web design, he makes a website that basically uses whole fucking jpegs. What the fuck ever. People are dying from AIDS, wars, starvation, and liberalism every minute. People from Folsghanistan could build a better function site than this jpeg crazy asshole has done. Is there no future for this man? Is there no remorse in his sick & twisted mind. What fucked up deformed abomination will spew from his poisoned soul next. Hopefully not another two row mess with image maps for navigation bullshit web site. Fuck.