Ninja Warrior

Since we have one of the cheapest cable options available, I get excited when we receive preview channels from time to time. Currently, we get a channel called G4.

As a result, I have become addicted to my new favorite show, Ninja Warrior. Yes, I said it. Iron Chef was my old favorite show, not the America version.

Ninja Warrior is totally awesome because ninjas are totally awesome.

Nuff said.

What every kid should own...

If you were half the man Wang Wang is.. you would be 1'6" tall.

A Lyrical Masterpiece.

This could happen to you.

A lot of people might not know that Juliette Lewis, the super famous movie actress, is also in a cutting edge rock band. A lot of folks would think that her on stage performance is so energetic and free spirited. Her stage performance is full of violent jerking motions and Iggy Pop like contortions. But the sad thing is, it is not a stage performance, she has an affliction. Julliette suffers from Omphalo Spasmoltia. Omphalo Spasmoltia is a disease where the inflicted are obsessed with wanting to see their belly button, but when they try to look, the inflicted's brain tricks the muscles into doing the exact opposite of looking into your belly button. This has been know to drive people insane and drive them to commit suicide. (see picture)

This is what democracy in the Middle East sounds like.

Random thoughts: B.F.F.

Really, when making an acronym, could you us a worse combination of letters? This is actually worse than B.J. (maybe).

Fuck Me.

Not the "I want to be fucked" fuck me, but the "Goddamnit" fuck me. That's it.

The Answer: The Whiggery

Here and now, before God The Almighty and Bush (Boosh) Himself, I pronounce the establishment of the New Whig Party.

We will all wear mullet wigs and focus on the strengthening of OUR country. We will not play in the sandboxes of the world, only our own. The world will be a better place.

The Unity '08 party is a feeble attempt to achieve that which the New Whig Party will: True Democracy.

This is what it is like in the fourth dimension

The Shit Sandwich Analogy

The Shit Sandwich Analogy goes like this:
Disclaimer:This really only works when providing somebody with tough love or you need to let somebody know to suck it up and deal with it.

The shit sandwich is something we all must endure on a regular basis. Most people are regularly tasked with issues and situations that are hard to deal with on many different levels. These problems could have many different solutions to them, but all of the solutions suck. When two or more solutions could be used to solve the problem, but those solutions are both equally difficult to obtain,this is where the shit sandwich needs to be eaten.

You do get a choice in this not so pleasant tasting meal though. You may have your shit sandwich hot or cold.

When applied correctly, this analogy will shut up most people who are bitching about their job or personal situation.

The mechanics of the analogy go like this:
If somebody told you to eat a sandwich which consisted of bread, lettuce and shit, you would probably not eat it. But if you were told you had to eat it or else, would it taste better to you hot, or cold? Personally I have never enjoyed doody on rye, but I really don't know what would make it go down easier. Hot or cold, how would you eat it.

Sexy Bitches Pedestal

Behold! The Husqvarna Model# YTH20K46!

Three Wishes

Dude, I think you're on to something. The whole "three wishes" thing is a much better idea than the eight random facts.

My three wishes:

1. I wish I were you.
2. I wish I wasn't an elitist.
3. I wish I loved G-W.

Smoking Cigarettes

I have been a smoker since I was about 14 years old. I love cigarettes. There is nothing more appealling to me than smoking when it is cold, smoking while I am fishing, smoking after dinner, smoking while I am driving, smoking while I am waiting, smoking while I am pissed off, smoking while I am shopping, smoking while playing golf(that's a great smoke), and smoking in between cigarettes. Although I have quit on and off for the last few years, I can go months and months without a cigarette. When I go on a binge I will smoke so many cigarettes that after about 30 or so they get really fucking gross and actually hurt to smoke. I then get so frustrated that I can't fully appreciate the smoke and I get all stressed out and increase intake.

If I had three wishes, one of them would definitely be that I would never die from cancer that was related to smoking cigarettes. The other two wishes would probably be really stupid wishes that I would regret making.

If somebody powerfull enough, like a wizard or warlock, gave me the choice of either being able to become invisible at will or be immune to smoking related cancer and have an unlimited amount of cigarettes, it would be a very difficult decision.

Right now I currently not smoking. But I think about it alot.

This is more gay than having a blog

Rules rules rules....

Random facts about TKY

1. I called my wife Paris more than three times when we were trying to procreate the other night. She responed everytime with " That's hot."

2. I smoked plastic with Bush Grande.

3. I have literally saved two peoples lives. Victim 1. Pulled e-brake and turned off engine of a late model Datsun that was perpindicular to four lanes of traffic on Highway 80, dude in car was having a siezure or some shit. He was wearing a Taco Bell uniform and had tons of cover up make up on that was all dripping off of his face Victim 2. Pulled a dude out of the American River. The douche bag was wearing jeans(black) and white trash sneakers. He was trying to swim accross the river. He was totally wasted. Didn't give a fuck, or realize, that he should have been dead.

4. I have seen every season of "The Real World"

5. I used to get all depressed and tear up at the end of The Incredible Hulk when Bill Bixby was walking to the next town all by himself with that fucking asshole Jack McGee on his tail.

6. My uvula has been streched for years and always feels like I have a lugee on the back of my tongue.

7. It stresses me out and pisses me off when I walk down stairs. I have to run down them.

8. I was pissed off at Peppermint because he thought I was impeding his artistic endeavor.That's bullshit.

F-ing Tag

1. All right, here are the rules.
2. We have to post these rules before we give you the facts.
3. Players start with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
4. People who are tagged need to write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.
5. At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

So, eight random facts about me.

1. I don't know eight sickening people who blog. I know three. They've already been tagged.
2. I have an insane nose thing where I constantly think I have shit hanging from my nose. Not real shit, just nose shit.
3. Sous was my official nose checker while we were living together; he has also unofficially served the position throughout our friendship.
4. I am a better driver than Walrus.
5. It's Bush's fault that I started smoking. He even gave me a cigarette case. It's his fault, I swear.
6. I like summer break because I am spending a ton of time with my son, but I am bored. I enjoy being extremely busy.
7. I am five chapters into a young adult novella that I'm writing. It could end up being an adult novella, but we'll see how sickening it gets.
8. My favorite word is sickening. This has been quite useful since I've had many sickening friends over the years and I'm the only one who seems to completely understand each one. That, in itself, is sickening.

See #1.

Silence

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A-hole Web Designers are not Artists

Given said criticism on perhaps the greatest artistic achieve that has been gifted to man since Picasso, it is obvious that the “Angry White Man,” or should I say, in this case, “Web Design Guru,” has absolutely no connection with ART whatsoever in any way possible, both known and unknown to man.

That being said, Mr. Web Design Guru obviously overlooked the artistic nature of the page, the way it really sums up teen angst, puberty, and awkward moments with the opposite sex, all in a simple, yet effective design that he wishes he would have done first (but he is too busy dealing with some old Archie Bunker motherfucker who wants him to build him a website on housing or something). Yes, Mr. Web Design Guru is obviously disconnected from Art and has moved rapidly into what should be called the “H” dimension, the world of html. He lives and dies by the html code. In fact, he is even rewriting the “Pledge of Allegiance,” inserting html wherever and whenever he can.

That being said, lets all stand up and solute Mr. Web Design Guru for all of the wonderful gifts of html he has given the world.

How not to build a website

People with Downs syndrome should not be gangster rappers. A-hole teachers who build websites like monkeys with Downs syndrome should not be gangster rappers as well. There are a million free website templates available for such a-holes so they can build a proper site. Dreamweaver has templates, Photoshop even allows you to make a great working website, Downloads.com has a hundred free web publishing tools so you can easily build properly functioning web site. But certain lazy assholes, I mean a-holes, decide that scanning a fucking crumpled piece of paper and using a display type for large bodies of copy on top of said crumpled paper is a great idea and the easy way out. I have given this person tip after tip. I am like a fucking Visual Quickstart Guide for this a-hole. But instead of using the skills that he has acquired from the tons of extra hours spent taking classes on graphic and web design, he makes a website that basically uses whole fucking jpegs. What the fuck ever. People are dying from AIDS, wars, starvation, and liberalism every minute. People from Folsghanistan could build a better function site than this jpeg crazy asshole has done. Is there no future for this man? Is there no remorse in his sick & twisted mind. What fucked up deformed abomination will spew from his poisoned soul next. Hopefully not another two row mess with image maps for navigation bullshit web site. Fuck.

Mission Aborted

A true enemy of mine once said that I was mean spirited. He is a fucking asshole and I hope his life is filled with misery and bad karma. The fucker deserves it. I am mean spirited, and I have a right to be, my fucking parents are divorced and I was a latch key kid. That comic book guy deserves a nasty big spoonful of hate, just for being a monstrous douchey geek. But in a way I have to pull back on the reins of bitterness for, once. I have to commend him on his dedication to being a douchey geek. I wish I could be that into something and have a wealth of meaningless knowledge of what asshole wrote for SuperFag in 1983 and who inked Captain Chancre Sore in the Marvel comic this or fucking that. The closest I can come to that is my uncanny ability to link real life events to Brady Bunch episodes and have people look at me the way I look at this a-hole. So we must choose a more deserving target. The search continues.

The next target has been given.

http://the-isb.blogspot.com/

The Fourth (or is it Forth?) Dimension

Human beings usually perceive space as a three-dimensional space as long as they don't notice anything with high relative velocity. Three-dimensional space has a number of properties that distinguish it from spaces of other dimensions. It is, for example, the only dimension in which it is possible to tie a knot in a piece of string. Many of the laws of physics, such as the various inverse square laws, depend on dimension three.

The understanding of three-dimensional space in humans is thought not to be completely intuitive, and must be learned during infancy using an unconscious inference. The visual ability to perceive the world in three dimensions is called depth perception. This leads us to the fourth dimension: Cyberspace.

The "space" in cyberspace has more in common with the abstract, mathematical meanings of the term than physical space. It does not have the duality of positive and negative volume (while in physical space for example a room has the negative volume of usable space delineated by positive volume of walls, Internet users cannot enter the screen and explore the unknown part of the Net as an extension of the space they're in), but spatial meaning can be attributed to the relationship between different pages (of books as well as web servers), considering the unturned pages to be somewhere "out there." The concept of cyberspace therefore refers not to the content being presented to the surfer, but rather to the possibility of surfing among different sites, with feedback loops between the user and the rest of the system creating the potential to always encounter something unknown or unexpected.

That being said, in modern art, Cyberspace, said fourth dimension, is mostly used as a synonym for "virtual reality" and remains more discussed than enacted. Visual arts have a tradition, stretching back to antiquity, of artifacts meant to fool the eye and be mistaken for reality. This questioning of reality occasionally led some philosophers and (especially) theologians to distrust art as deceiving people into entering a world which was not real.

Before cyberspace became a technological possibility, many philosophers suggested the possibility of a virtual reality similar to cyberspace. In The Republic, Plato sets out his "Allegory of the Cave," widely cited as one of the first conceptual realities. He suggests that we are already in a form of virtual reality which we are deceived into thinking is true. True reality for Plato is only accessible through mental training and is the reality of the forms.Another forerunner of the modern ideas of cyberspace is Descartes' thought that people might be deceived by an evil demon which feeds them a false reality. This argument is the direct predecessor of the modern ideas of brain in a vat and many popular conceptions of cyberspace take Descartes' ideas as their starting point.

After careful consideration of the fourth dimension, it is obvious that it doesn’t really exist. At all. These words are not real. This blog is not real. The computer you’re reading this at is not real. In fact, it could be argued that you yourself are not real as well, but that is a discussion that only the fifth dimension can handle.

This is happening

There is this sort of inevitability about The Manwhich Machine. The genesis of this blog was basically born via immaculate conception. Two men can not make a baby. Some have tried. Cyberspace is the Fourth Dimension and The Manwhich Machine has proven it over and over again.

Cyberspace is the Fourth Dimension....

Cyberspace...Cyberspace...Cyberspace...Cyberspace.

The Manwich Machine does serve a purpose. An artistic endeavour that has really never been seen before, including right now. If a tree falls in Cyberspace and nobody is there to see it, does it make a blog? Yes. To answer your question. So everybody come on board the great cyberspace-coaster, come on board.

There is no malicious intent to harm or injure. Maybe to rip your brain out by the base, flip it around a few times, baby shake that fucker and porno style spit on it, but that's it. To make claim that The Manwich Machine prohibits the artistic pursuits of others, is just another excuse in denying that Cyberspace is not the Fourth Dimension. And that is just plain gay.

The Manwich Machine is art, don't be elitist and think it's not. Really don't,because two artists are making it. I am working on three paintings right now. Really I am, I will send you pictures.

THIS IS HAPPENING!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Immitation is the greatest form of flatuation

Hey Man,

An impalpable censorship by a fellow artist is trying to eliminate all intellectual and artistic vitality of The Manwich Machine with a vengeance; persistent recourse to euphemism, circumlocution and sarcasm, is corrupting and debasing The Manwich Machine; and the coercive atmosphere of guilt, fear and intimidation surrounding this capricious censorship is inhibiting the easy give-and-take of human discourse, the life-blood of democratic institutions, and ultimately of The Manwhich Machine's own social and spiritual life. Thoreau warned us to 'beware of all enterprises that require new clothes.' What would he have said about enterprises that require artists to have real blogs? And more importantly, what would he have said about standing on one foot and pointing your finger at nothing?

Vonnegut's Lost Short Story: "God Bless You, Mr. Rosewater"

God Bless You, Mr. Rosewater

I remember it like a man remembers both his very first fight and blow job. It was sixth grade, recess. Come to think about it, what exactly is recess? I never really understood the why it wasn’t called “get the hyper out” or “everything you ever needed to know about sex: monkey bars.”

It was spring. Very hot. Rosewater County had some of the hottest springs north of Tijuana or Guatemala or, really, any country that’s hot and ends with an “A.” Just weeks prior to the most memorable find of the year was the previous champion of findings: used napkins and a used condom. We found them over by the back baseball field, a field rarely used except during recess.

Near what would have been the bullpen on any other field, there was this unusual breast-shaped lump of earth that was adorned with tall weeds. It served as a make-believe fort during many recesses, yet, at that particular moment, it was as if we were witness to a crime scene with the level of investigation that was occurring.

Our fort had been destroyed; the teenagers had defiled our sacred space with carnal lust. What was so innocent to us had been permanently changed. However traumatic the event, we checked that spot ever single day, sometimes twice, just in case the mysterious couple snuck onto campus and screwed during English or math.

It had been so long since the “napkins and condom incident” that we could nearly go five minutes without mentioning it. It was Thursday. We were complaining about running the mile in gym class when Todd stumbled upon what would be the holy grail of finds for the year: field porn. We figured it blew in from the yard of the Rosewater mansion. The Rosewaters had donated the land in order to, as my mother said, “Buy a piece of history and plague this county even more.” That day, Mr. Rosewater donated far more than land and money, he donated porn.

Jason was there too. It took all three of us to figure out that the girl was naked under the banana split that was between her legs. Right dead center between them. There was even a cherry on top. We really didn’t look at the banana split too long due to her distracting breasts. Distracting in a good way. Perfectly distracting really, the kinds that make you want to masturbate for hours upon hours upon hours.

We fought over who got to take it home. Todd won. After all, he found it. It’s a good thing he did win; he got caught with it before the end of the day and he had to call his mother and spill his guts. Fortunately, for me and Jason, he didn’t include us in his confession. That’s what real men do; they lie, covet porn, and masturbate.

Sorry, but I am required by law to post this.

I apologize to my fellow contributor for doing this. I recently let him have it for posting a non-related post that was not intended for our target to see. But due to recent racial comments made by Don Imus, there has been a ton of criticism directed to the hip hop scene for the way hip hop artists objectify women and glorify non-square issues like being a gangster and all that shit. But here is a rap prodigy for all of us to enjoy. I am going to hell. I kind of can't wait. See you there!

"So it Goes" Vonnegut, one of America's greatest humanists has left us

A True American novelist.

Vonnegut was one of the most popular and controversial authors writing for young adults, ever. He was known for his frank portrayal of the physical and emotional maturation of adolescents. Some adults considered his novels inappropriate for young readers. They object to Vonneguts's treatment of such topics as menstruation, masturbation, and teenage sexuality. A number of critics have faulted his novels for lacking depth, and some have accused him of trivializing the problems and even the lives of teenagers. On the other hand, many critics praised Vonnegut's ability to recreate the colloquial speech of young adults and commended his portrayal of adolescents who come to terms with their changing lives.

Vonnegut first gained recognition with Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret (1970). This novel has two themes: Margaret's preoccupation with the physical signs of puberty, and her search for religious identity. Vonnegut won acclaim for his warmly humorous treatment of female concerns, although several critics considered his depiction of Margaret's bodily changes overly graphic. Forever … (1976), with its detailed description of a first sexual encounter, was even more controversial. While some readers and critics have complained about the sexual content of Vonnegut's novels, others praise his emphasis on individual responsibility in sexual matters.

Tiger Eyes (1981) is in some ways atypical of Vonnegut's young adult novels. Sexual themes, which often preoccupy his protagonists, are deemphasized in this book in favor of examining the effects of death and senseless violence. Some critics considered this novel his most accomplished work. As with Vonnegut's other young adult novels, Tiger Eyes has been praised for its effective blending of sophisticated themes and maturing characters.

Vonnegut remarked that he vividly remembers his own questions and emotions as a young person and he attempted to show readers that they are not alone in their fears and confusion. His books were often set in suburbia, reflecting his own East Coast, middle-class background. Part of Vonnegut's appeal, according to some critics, stems from his refusal to moralize as he emphasized the need for individual and social responsibility. Several of his works have received regional book awards.

The Order: Spirurida (spiruroids)

Stage 1a of Project Manwich has been a huge success!!!

Through the efforts of myself and my esteemed and rather tall colleague we have proceeded to unravel the oppressive ropes of intellectual elitism that has become a lepromatous condition of our society. This has been no small feat and we will vanquish our target. Through the help of dictionary.com and his cute little sister thesaurus.com, we shall be able to slowly and painfully destroy any trace of Northern Californian Elitusitis.

Project Manwich consists of 25 stages. Each of these stages consist of five sub-stages that are designed specifically to sunder and carve any hope of N.C.E from spreading to future generations. It has been brought to my attention that the main character at the center of The Manwich Machine does not really know what to think about our efforts. All I have to say about that is....Stage 1a complete.

I am Lorem Ipsum's Venn Diagram Rage

Sue Rature-

I have seen Venn diagrams. I know their evil ways all too well. That being said, your Venn diagram, of course, is far too simple. You failed to take into consideration the artistic skills of the sandwich maker. It is simply impossible for an average person to make a Manwich, yet anyone, even a two year old, can make a sandwich.

Now, back to the most ambiguous term “Sandwich Machine.” Here is a definition from a highly credible source, urbandictionary.com, on sandwich machine:


1. Sandwich Machine
A women, guy that is a bitch, or a gay man. Only constructed for putting together kick ass sandwiches......and sex. Example: "Hey women make me a sandwich."


“Sandwich Machine” can also be used to describe a mechanical assembly line used to create packaged sandwiches. I’m sure you are hoping to associate yourself with this one, but, due to contextual evidence supplied by one of our I.M.’s, we now know, for certain, that you are in fact aligned with the definition found on the most esteemed urbandictionary.com. Don’t try to deny it. It is fact now, so accept it.

If, and this is a big if, you are trying to say that a “Sandwich Machine” is nothing more than a sandwich press not unlike the George Forman grill, then your Venn diagram, once again, would be far too limited for such a proper comparison. I mean, I can Venn diagram the Queen of England and Ted, but I don’t because I know that Ted is far too complex of an individual to properly compare him to her…just like the Manwich Machine is far too complex of a device to compare it to anything less than the secret of life.

The Truth About Internet Mercenaries

Internet mercenaries can kill anyone they want! They sabotage blogs ALL of the time and don't even think twice about it. These guys are so crazy and awesome that they flip out ALL the time. I heard that there was this I.M. who was blogging at a diner. And when some dude dropped a spoon the I.M. killed the whole town. My friend Bush said that he saw an I.M. totally uppercut some kid’s blog just because the kid talked about Manwiches the wrong way.

You better get a life right now or they will chop your blog off!!! It's an easy choice, if you ask me.

I.M.’s are sooooooooooo sweet that I want to crap my pants. I can't believe it sometimes, but I feel it inside my heart. These guys are totally awesome and that's a fact. I.M.’s are sarcastic, hateful (in a good way), witty, and sweet. I can't wait to start advanced I.M. training next year. I love I.M.’s with all of my body (yes, all of it).

You can't see me, I am blending into my environment.

The hunter becomes the hunted... You’re the world’s deadliest blogger and your mission is clear: survive. Track your prey across the net in a series of secret missions to take down a fanatical liberal terrorist... before he takes you down, man. Maintaining your cover as a covert "interenet mercenary" is a healthy task - specializing in underhanded sabotage, stealthy charachter assassination, full frontal assaults and bad spelling - where sarcasm and calluosness marks the difference between the hunter and the hunted. Welcome to my secret world of internet mercenary combat.

Projet Remise

Hey Man.

For the last several hours, I have been kicking around the idea of ramping up my Manwich consumption--not just a one or two, but something on the order of six a day. For weeks, I've often lamented the fact that sloppy joes, or Manwhiches, or whatever, keeps me from focusing one thing, that Manwiches are so much fun on a bun and I am missing out. I'm hoping that this experiment will help determine whether this is just a pretty story that I tell myself or an actual truth about my nature. In either case, I'll know something that will help me figure out what the true meaning of my life is.

So here's the mouth wattering plan:

1. Work my butt off in order to reach a target savings of $7.50 -10.00, which, by my calculations, should be sufficient to support myself for six sloppy joes a day without serious financial strain.

2. Leave my car under the freeway with the keys in the ignition, then report it stolen a day later.

3. Put 70-80% of my belongings on the floor of my room in the interest of maximizing clutter and increasing disorder, with a related goal of temporarily narrowing a path to my bed.

4. Find a comfy cardboard box on 27th and K st.

5. Make arrangements to make something easy even easier, with an eye toward returning to work when the experiment blows up like a meth lab gone bad. ( yeah, maybe I can be a cooker!!!)

6. Figure out what the hell is happening!!!!!!Jesus Christ what the fuck is happening???????Oh yeah, I remember.

My hope is to put all this into effect at the beginning, middle or end of 2018--I will try to keep this blog updated regularly with my progress.

Wish me ruck.